DAMN THE JAM

This morning, after rising at an ungodly hour, I staggered, bleary-eyed, to the remote recesses of the airport to catch my piss-early flight to our nation's capital. I hardly was awake enough to register the nightmare scenario that awaited me. Desperate for caffeine, I lurched into the Starbuck's (I know...I hate myself, too. Have confessed sins and done three Hail Marys as penance) to get an IV of drip coffee. (SIDE NOTE: Why hasn't anyone launched a law suit against Starbuck's, claiming that they are the neighborhood pusher. I mean, the early morning business traveler is a variety of junkie; deny a suit their caffeine fix and it can get ugly. I've seen it happen)

ANYWAY. Jumpstarted by the caffeine hit, I recovered from my comatose state and my flat-lining mind functions began to show some peaks (or, hills, in my case). I soon noticed that I was surounded by a sea of khaki occupying the seats which my weary ass belonged in. In horror, I stared at the ungainly beasts, realizing that I would be sharing my flight with not the normal assortment of freaks that I embrace, but rather the institutionalized cult of sanctified hypocrisy in America THE BOY SCOUTS (or more commonly known as, Future Pedophiles of America).

As they lined up in Starbuck's to purchase their cups of caffeinated liquid sugar (oh yeah, THAT'S smart. Let's give the pre-pubescent, ritalin-dependent hatchlings caffeine and sugar before 7 am), the smug creatures had me surrounded.

As a general rule, I love kids. I really do. But, put them together and the become The Children of The Corn or the Salem witch-hunt girls. Put them in matching uniforms, and it is nothing short of a Nazi kindergruppe.

And, as if dressing the little monsters identically into a sick cloning gone wrong isn't frighteneing enough-we have their den leaders to ENSURE that we should sleep with one eye open during our flight. Its unnatural and wrong for grown men to to be dressed in khaki knicker shorts, straw boater hats, knee socks and blue kershief tied around their necks. (I know-I could've stopped at khaki knickers. Indian policemen...need I say more?) I mean, seriously, boy scout leader?? Code for pedophile.

Only the pressing need to be in DC for a job interviuew would have prompted me to board this flight. (Not to mention the fact that legions of boy socuts were clogging the hallways waiting for later flights). A Scout-free flight was not in the cards.

I, brave soul that I am, boarded the flight, with bravado comparable to any young jawaan. Upon being seated, the flight attendant announced how honored she was to be flying with the wonderful boy scouts and how these young men would be role models and gentleman.

Now, having known a boy scout or two in my time, I can tell you (from their own mouths) that it severely stunts their dating growth. One friend, a true hottie in every way-president of high school, football player, straight A-student kind of guy--and BRUTALLY HOT-never dated in high school, nor in the early days of college. Poor chap just didn't know how. Also-having known his first girlfriend, I can attest to the fact that he was pure to a fault. The monastery is a comin' knockin'...

And then, there are the few desi boy scouts, who, by virtue of being desi males already didn't have enough obstacles in that area, decide to impair themselves more. Poor saps.

But, let me tell you, not all suffer their fate. Having briefly dated an Eagle Scout, I can certianly attest to him certainly being NO gentleman. He must have picked up some moves at band camp.


I think the boy socuts would better serve their country by teaching these young tadppoles real life skills and give them merit bages for stuff they might actually USE. Examples? Scheduling dates properly. Telling the truth. Doing laundry. Using the telephone. Finding a G-spot.Foreplay.

Hell-I'd sign up as a scout leader if they did (and I'd look a hell of a lot better in that damn uniform).

*THIS WAS WRITTEN BEFORE TRAGEDY STRUCK THE SCOUT LEADERS, SO KNOW THAT BEFORE Y'ALL JUMP UP MY ASS FOR BEING INSENSITIVE. AS FOR THE FAINTING BOY SCOUTS BAKING IN THE SUN WAITING FOR IL DUCE TO ARRIVE AND SPEAK TO THEM (HOW MANY TIMES?), METHINKS IT IS DIVINE INTERVENTION. GOD WAS UNWILLING TO SEE THE YOUTH OF AMERICA BEING CORRUPTED ANY MORE THAN NECESSARY. THOSE UNIFORMS ARE PUNISHMENT ENOUGH*