MORE THAN A GRAIN OF TRUTH
okay...so here is a favorite joke of mine, which is completely un-PC and draws upon every stereotype. Alas, if only the desi stereotype was a fallacy!
read...enjoy!
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
H. 2 American men and 1 American woman
I. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
G. The two Irish men began by dividing up their part of the island into Northern & Southern parts, and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember the Irish woman because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey but at least the English are not getting any.
H. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
What happened to the Indians??????
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman!!
Sadly, this is an all too common occurrence. This is one variety of FOB (the previously mentioned dancefloor humpers are another!), though these are (THANK GAWD!) are relatively harmless.
Observe our specimen:
The shy, bespectacled sort lounges on the peripheries of the dancefloor, hungrily feasting its eyes on its prey, but pathetically not being able to pounce. (Here, I am reminded of a toothless tiger, smacking his gums together or perhaps the quadrapalegic lion drooling on the sidelines!).
Our subject is poorly attired to strike: clad in heavy woolen sweater, button down oxford shirt, nylon slacks, and (of course) the requisite white sneakers blindingly shining from below. The manmade fibers do wonders for our friend's perspiration glands. He, not believing in the miracles of modern odor-fighting science, has opted to NOT be SURE!, though it does not prevent him from raising his hand as if he was...and lucky for us, he does! For if our young lad did not, we would not be able to smell that Indian buffet lunch seeping through his pores.
The rare occurrence that a young foolish gazelle crosses his path and aggressively bats him with a long, delicate leg, our impotent amigo does one of several things:
1-drops his drink on her (believe me-this has, to the utter joy of my local dry cleaner, happened all too frequently)
2-stammers, blushes and sidles away.
3-introduces her to his sleazy friend (who, let's face it-has already been following her around the club all night ANYWAY!)
Now, I love these poor clueless lambs, and I have done my best to incorporate them into the dating jungle more than a number of times. However, a girl can only do so much. I remember one *SUPPOSED* success story. He was wearing breathable fabric, using that Rightguard down to a nub, and trying to wax poetic about the merits of George Clooney's new haircut. I thought we had success...the moon landing of the dating world. But, pride before a fall and whatnot. Like Icarus, I had tried to fly too close to the sun. My little chum-chum got pretty far in the dating game-dinner, drinks, ride on the subway. All hell broke loose when the love interest invited him up. PANIC!!!
This was nothing short of a dating 911! Upon entering the minx pad, the poor boy immediately bolted for the bathroom and frantically pounded my number into his cellie, hissing into it as quietly as he could. Paralyzed with fear, he realized that his ultimate dream was potentially coming close to fruition, and that he had no clue what to do. Though I tried to calm our neurotic basket case and give him some sure-thing pointers, he was too far-gone to rescue. We are talking phobia run amok!
So severe was his panic, that he neglected to even say 'bye' to our young lass and make the bullshit "oh-i have to work early tomorrow" excuse that fuckwits are so fond of. He just pulled a houdini, leaving the poor femme fatale to stare blankly at the open door left in his wake.
The worst part is that he ran into this girl a few weeks later. She let him have it, berating him in front of a group of people (including his employer!!!) before showering him in her Long Island Iced Tea. Needless to say, he has become a hermit and pledged celibacy forever.
**ADDITION IN RESPONSE TO CONCERN OVER OUR FOB FRIEND**
Okay, so I lied. The person in question is not rocking back and forth in a a corner of a monastery somewhere, but is now happily married (arranged) and no longer has to subject himself to the tortuous ritual we call 'dating'. He appreciates the concern, though I am sure he NEVER wants his darling wifey to be privy to the knowledge of his "less-than-hip" days. We will keep this lil' secret to ourselves, shall we?
posted by outrageousminx @ 9:02 AM
8 Comments:
My precious little nikki-poo,
You MUST learn to read more carefully! I was NOT berating our FOBULOUS friend. In fact, I gave him snaps all around for his fashion and hygiene efforts. And, and, AND...may I remind thee that I was the Pygmalion behind this caterpillar's metamorphisis?
This particular FOB was a near and dear one, and I fully acknowledge that he made the efforts and I WAS proud of him as any Dr. Higgins would be of his Eliza Dolittle. However, it did not save the poor guy from the crash and burn scenario. I have been known to embrace MANY a FOB and rescue them from the perils of dating hell. In fact, I have been responsible for many 'geek to chic' transformations. But, then again, I had good solid materials to work with.
If I haven't already said it...I LOVE FOBS. In fact, my preference for the FOBULOUS is evidenced by the fact that I choose their company over that of my fellow ABCDs (when I hang with Indians at all, that is). I have dated FOBS, hang out with FOBS and GET them. I am hardly an ABCD snob.
And my dearest Nik, before you accuse me of being a self-hater or coconut or the like...I am very proud to be Indian and American, but without all the whiny hangups that many seem to have straddling two cultures. I have a unique upbringing to which I may or may not have alluded, but it has positioned me to identify with both ABCD and FOB alike.
Moreover, I am an extremely kind and loving person, with nary a negative thing to say about any person. I see the best in people, and no one who knows me can ever think that my blogs are malicious or meanspirited or directed at FOBS, especially if you have seen some of the winners who have the privelege of calling themselves my ex boyfriends!
The blogs are in pure jest and I make fun of everyone-including myself. No one should take themselves too seriously, and no one should be exempt from having fun poked at them. So there!! (sticking my tongue at you, you lucky boy!) (and, as an EXTRA bonus...you will have a blog dedicated JUST FOR YOU...feel flattered now!)
nik-read the tail end of the blog again...you will be elated to know that our fine, fobulous friend weathered his public humiliation just fine.
Desi women should not be bitching about FOB/ABCD's. Taking into consideration the fact that in looks department Indian women are at the bottom of the food chain they should thank Laxmi/Durga for the obvious incompetence of the Desi men in the dating department........if the desi men had choice/competence they would end up with much better looking women of other ethnicities.
"Desi women should not be bitching about FOB/ABCD's"
Riiiight...anything else you would like to add Mr desi taliban?
This is funny though. You'd think after he got that far, his dick would help him through the rest :P Anyway its not surprising that so many desi guys go through this phenomenon. So many desi guys don't even talk to girls till they are in high school because its a 'bad thing'. Whatever, the smart ones adapt and darwin or arranged marriages take care of the rest. Not much you can do.
-A
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Mr. ANON #1, methinks that you like your grapes sour... for why else would you launch an attack against desiminxes? now, that is not the way to play nice! Many thanks to ANON #2 and darling nikki for coming to the defense of our desi girls, though the following exhibits will more than prove our case.
I have one question to ask you, Mr. ANON #1 have you ever seen a bollywood flick? have you?
More likely than not, the answer will be in the affirmative. even if not an avid fan, children of a certain age have no doubt been subjected to/treated to (depends on own tastes) the delights of what amitabh, rekha and company had to offer forth in the seventies and eighties). If you have, there is no denying that Indian women are infinitely hotter than their Indian missing-link counterparts. Let me present Exhibit A: STARDUST MAGAZINE
Shall we flip through and revisit the heart-throbs hotties of the Bollywood celluloid screen? Let's see...the pudgy, 'stached Shotgun Sinha....oh, and there is that HUNK-of burning love-Mithun Chakrobaty (yes! of Disco Dancer fame)! and, let's not forget CHUNKY PANDEY And, there is that loveable butterball Rishi Kapoor (who, incidentally, has fallen from grace and is now busy peddling ready made curry sauces. Poor thing). Yes, yes, ANON #1, you will rebut with Amitabh, Aamir, and the like, but name ONE Indian actress who was a true woofer? You'd be hardpressed to find one (unless it is poor Karishma Kapoor pre-makeover...even I will concede that one!)
Meanwhile, I can recite a whole LITANY of actors who would be worthy of hiding themselves away in Notre Dame. Seriously, if this is the best Bollywood can dish up in drool-worthy eye candy...then I'd rather pull an Oedipus and put out my eyes.
EXHIBIT B: THE MISS WORLD/GALAXY/UNIVERSE/MILKY WAY, ETC. CONTESTS
It is an undeniable fact that India has its own cottage industry of pumping out beauty queens. Mr. ANON 1..do you think that we, as Indians, have just taken bribery to a whole new level and have 'fixed' contests? After all, we don't have the World Series--and if the Indian cricket team won--well, we'd ALREADY assume a bribe was passed somewhere. Did we rent out hired goondas to take out the judges if they didn't swing the Indian way? I think that is even too far fetched for the Enquirer. We win. Fair and square. Now, I won't say that our girls are the brightest bulbs in the GE factory--in fact, they are as vacuous as their Amreekan counterparts. But you can't say they aren't pretty.
EXHIBIT C: UNCLES AND AUNTIES
Think, ANON1...no doubt you have uncles and aunties who are poorly matched. I look out at my parents friends circle and, when bored at dinner parties, find myself wondering how some uncle bagged my scintillating auntie. (I know...'tis unnatural and wrong to think of the oldies as 'hot'--but flowers will wither and whatnot). There are a LOT of very attractive Indo-aunties out there, THE MILFS of the Indian world. I can honestly say that there are ZERO,ZILCH, NADA uncles who I would want a piece of. EEEEEEEWWWWW...okay, ANON 1--that is another thing to hold you responsible for! For putting that image (which I really could have done without) into my mind.
All that said, I will say this only. Please play nice on my site...exchange of ideas is encouraged and are always welcomed--but no attacking people or cutting them down. That is MY job, goddamit! :-) Nothing but love for you all...FOB, ABCD, MINX, ALLEYCATS, ALIENS, and PREDATORS ALIKE!
and, ANON FASCIST, let me add that the key point of your comment was the 'if you had competence' to bag a non desiminx. poor desiminxes are the only ones who will put up with your dumb ass!
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