HOW TO GET MARRIED

A warm hello to my all my fellow outrageous minxes!

Many apologies for the backlog in postings—but this weekend, I went to my sixth wedding this season. I kid you not, my friends.

Since March, I have been to, count ‘em, SIX weddings; and sad to report, it won’t be the last one. The next one is the wedding of a close family friend, so I can pretty much count my weekends bye-bye for the next few weeks, as I have been informed that my services will be required for pulling the fiasco together.

Why is it that weddings of others are used as torture devices for others? I am not a hater-don’t get me wrong-I love weddings. Love going to them, drinking at them, dancing at them. But when did a wedding require a consultant and intricate planning by teams of people, complete with Uncles equipped with walkie-talkies? And when did it become de rigeur to have undeveloped teenage pop-tart wannabes gyrate sluttily (and, sadly, usually badly!) to some cheesy Bollywood song as “entertainment” for the guests? Why is it that in every other facet of their lives-they are supposed to be modest-but in front of roughly 500 people they call Uncle and Auntie, they are allowed to basically simulate sex scenes as entertainment? All of this allowed under the guise of “culture” since it is, after all, a DESI song. We are a sick people, lemme tell you. But, I digress. Though the little sluts DO bother me, the rant must be reserved for what it was intended. And that is the madness that weddings have become.

I think it is a sheer waste of money, time, effort to try to keep up with the Joneses, (or in our case, the Patels, the Kumars, or the Joshis) and try to outdo each other. Each one has a more elaborate mandap or flower arrangement than the next, and you hear about how poor Uncle Babboo had to sell his kidney to pay for it all, because darling Pinky just had to have 80 bridesmaids…(and when did Indian weddings start to have bridesmaids???)

At the end of the day, people don’t give a SHIT about any of that. We are all still the ladoo-grabbing Indians at heart. I spied many an Uncle and Auntie dozing off while people droned on and on about how good a friend Vicky was, and what a good doctor he is, blah, blah, blah…I can’t report much else, because I bolted after the second speech, and right before cousin Payal/Sejal/Monica started to hump the dancefloor. I, veteran wedding attendee that I am, showed incredible presence of mind in spending the next hour in the hotel’s bar with fun, like-minded individuals. We had a lovely time, gliding back into the reception hall just in time for dinner. No one noticed our absence either, as many had prematurely aged because of the excessive programming, and thus, were blind and deaf…or dead.

Which brings me to the next problem. The basics are being overlooked. One wedding in question had gorgeous, rainforest-like flower arrangements lining the walkway to the mandap. Fine and dandy-except that no one could see a damn thing through those! One poor guy was stupid enough to try to move it—he hasn’t been seen since. And the overprogramming. I thought the wedding WAS the program. And the dinner, booze, and dancing were our reward for sitting through that. Therefore, as a courtesy, I have decided to enlighten those of you with my list of what every wedding guest wants and needs from your wedding.

My advice:

Number one-make sure the food is GOOD. Spend the money to get someone to make it on the spot if you can. Lose a few bouquets or bridesmaids if you must. This is a deal breaker. Have consumed too many cold samosas and broken teeth on rock-hard pieces of chicken to even negotiate further.

Number two- If you must have speeches, limit it to two people at five minutes each tops. And don’t give us all that sentimental bullshit either—we don’t want to hear it. If no one believes that you would cry on any other day-no one is going to buy that shit on THAT day either. And please do not regale us with whoring adventures of the groom. If he is desi, we all know it is a lie. He is not a stud. We know. Move on.

Number three: Do not get Monica/Sweety/Priya to dance. We do not need to see Uncles getting hot and bothered over these stick figures. Keep them clothed and wait till they blossom. Then pimp them out as much as you want to.

Number four: NO—cash bar is NOT GOOD ENOUGH. End of story. Either we will make do with our flasks, or give us what we need in abundance.

Number five: Have a good DJ. People like to dance, especially if well supplied by the open bar. And leave enough time to dance. One wedding, I remember there being a Sikh DJ and he played three songs—all bad songs from the seventies. Ugh. You know it was killing him to play that shit. Take pity—let the serdy play his bhangra and get everyone pumped up.

What are weddings for, after all, but an excuse to eat, drink, be merry and celebrate? And to pimp/scope out eligible sorts for your own progeny? All of which are greatly enhanced through provisions of basics. You must feed and water your guests properly for them to come through for you.

My dream wedding you ask? It would be ghetto-fabulous beyond belief. Don’t know much about the wedding and stuff—probably would elope. But, I would probably just concentrate on ladies’ sangeet type functions more, and keep the liquor and buckets of kulfi coming. People would eat, drink, and dance the night away under a tent in my backyard, while the lady making hot, fresh, jalebis looks on. It just brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it…