RANT AGAINST RELIGION...

The UN Convention Against Torture should include a provision against bullied against one's will to go to
hindu temples! Am being forced by parental units (who am i kidding?--is solely the work of insane maternal figure. my father sure-as-HELL wouldn't mandate such an ludicrous proposition) to wake up at a thoroughly ungodly hour (6 am!and that too on a SUNDAY--the day of rest. the beasts!) and go to TENNE-FUCKIN'-SEE to the ganesh temple there.

why the 80 local temples won't cut it is beyond me--but they say it is dangerous to question a woman possessed...apparently we just indulge her and try not to be too cynical. am using last hours of freedom to make contact with loved ones. sigh.

much NOT TO REPORT. went to the film screening today--many films were great...and j.s.'s brother's film ROCKED! IT WAS HILARIOUS! truly was relieved--so that if comment is forced out of me-i don't have to lie and say it was good--can be enthusiastic-- genuinely :-) really-it was good-if you get a chance to see it-you should. it won for best film- so it will be my city's selection in the national competition. yay.

needless to say, j.s. was MIA...but brother was there, with gf in tow. he is cute...and they were cute...and they look kind of alike-j.s. and brother, not brother and gf :-) anyway, j.s. is (sad to say) infinitely hotter than the brother and probably the looker in the fam...too bad i will never get a piece of that. i know, i know--defeatist attitude will get you nowhere--but am confused by fuckwit behaviour. will ask for advice later in email. but am glad that i went to the films.

though, alas, the cuteness of today was all wasted. i cleaned up quite nicely today--was wearing skirt and shoes of the last time we met--and a cute babydoll tee which states (in the same lettering as the infamous "i love ny" t-shirts)..NY LOVES ME. was quite the ensemble--casual, yet very cool.

one weird bit--i literally almost ran into the brother...and he looked at me with a puzzled face. meaning--he glanced at me--then proceeded to look
intently at me, as if he knew me or was trying to place me. weird. i proceeded on-but turned around to look--and he had also turned to look...very weird...was not in that skeevy "checking you out" kind of way either--just curiousity or something...if any of you have insight...please share...

then, saw him outside--i was on the phone--he came out to smoke a ciggie.
he looked then too--and then last time was when i came out of the bar down
the street and he and his crew were coming in. bizarre....must run in the
family.

anyway-also found out i am sicker than originally thought (don't know if i
mentioned that i have been ill since return from nyc). turns out that some horrid bacteria or something is residing inside me--must take antibiotics for TWO MONTHS. this only confirms what i have suspected all along. am truly allergic to self. knew it was only a matter of time before even my body decided to stage a coup and revolt against me.

so-i'd be lying if i said i wasn't disappointed that j.s. wasn't there. i knew it was a longshot-but still, a girl can hope. maybe it is b/c it is so loaded...just what he represents. i know i should just reduce him to being a normal bastard male--but seeing that he is the sole reason that i didn't call exloveinterest during the "crucial" time, and that he is incredibly sweet at times...i can't help it. his contacting me to go out represents a new beginning--and now even that doesn't seem to be happening. sigh.

besides, he gets my pulse racing--and i have NEVER been such a teenage girl (even when I WAS a teenager) around anyone. I also just want a friend...someone to hang out with every now and then. i miss new york...over there, i would have to schedule time to just be at home...I am trying not to be too despondent. but why the fuck hasn'the written?

it has been 9 days. so--advice time: should i write? just say "hi-saw your brother's film. it was great/i loved it/ etc. congrats to him-bye? or should i just let him write since i was the last to write.

i am pretty sure he will contact me again--he has done this now three times already--disappears and resurfaces. but why say 'let's go out' if you have no intention to do so? sigh. just want to tell him off--either meet up or get lost. easier said than done though--everytime i get him out of my system--i get sucked right back in again...and right now there is no one to really replace him. i mean, there are guys i am talking to and stuff--but no one who i am interested in. there was ONE person who i had a spark with--but is pretty much a no-go b/c of several reasons.

perhaps antibiotics will also purge my mind of all toxic feelings i have against self? you can get rid of the nasty buggers, but methinks the toxicity of the mind remains...at the end of the day, we are our own worst illness.

signing off for now. feel pity for me.

minx

(ps---sorry to those of you who are utterly and completely bored by my pathetic lovelife or lack thereof...am going through a dry spell and hope to be active again!!! am posting b/c lovely friends think i write well)