the fabulous world of the outrageousminx

Thursday, July 08, 2004

FROM SNOG TO BLOG

Many a pending blog posting must take the backseat for the time being, because a blogging 911 has emerged. Give me a rant, STAT!!! This blogging emergency was caused by an email response to my last posting about all the wedding nonsense. Our friend, the Mollusk, felt the need to come to the defense of the poor desi man. He has responded to my posting with, “desi guys are studs too…ask the white women”.

Now, he may or may not have acquired stud status in his single bachelor days—I don’t know. He certainly is charming enough, and perhaps he is a uniquely gifted desi man, but to make such a sweeping remark about desi men being studs was just foolhardy. He should have KNOWN that I was going to rip his theory to shreds. The gauntlet has been thrown down, and I, OutrageousMinx, accept the challenge. I, on behalf of the many, many women who have suffered at the hands of inept desi men everywhere, must vehemently object to the Mollusk’s blind faith in his desi brethren’s capabilities. I stand by my original statement—I am sticking to my guns, and I will prove my point (am, after all, a trained attorney!). Now this posting is not about your cool, urban Indian who feels that the West is an extension of his own frontier, but rather about your garden variety Indian dork. An overwhelming percentage of the Microsofties and other nameless, faceless, programming sorts plogging away at software sweatshops are a good example.

Ask the white women, he says…well, I have known many a white women who have had the misfortune of dating a desi brother or two…and I am sad to say that we as a people did not come off too well. They are hardly the talented studs that the Mollusk claims them to be. Sure-if you need your computer debugged or taxes done, no one can beat a desi man-but humping and pumping sure is not the typical desi import’s forte. Not to say that a desi guy can even get to that hump and pump stage—they pretty much blow it from the get-go with abysmal snogging skills. Carwash-like kisses (if they can even be called that) that leave your face sopping…tongue depresser/jackhammer tongue gagging you…”JAWS’ like open mouth coming at you-while you, fearful that kiss will not leave nose intact, try to open mouth as wide so will not get swallowed whole. And the worst, ugh, the “toothbrush” kiss, where he runs his tongue along your teeth, as if trying to extricate errant particles of food stuck in between your teeth. YUCK-EE!!! Not even remotely a turn-on, in fact, thoroughly UN-SEXY!!! All of these are, sadly, too familiar scenarios for the veteran dater of desi men.

I think if desi brothers were to receive some basic training, a sexual boot camp, if you will, before being sent on their merry ways to the corrupting West, they would fare better. I mean, these business programs now train them to use deodorant and drink wine and stuff, why not TEACH the lost little puppies how to GET IT ON? I, for one, would be sure to donate heavily to any program that would educate our folk in this regard. And many a woman would be eternally grateful. Is a poor showing, for the land of Kama Sutra to have sunk so low...is a matter of national pride and tradition, goddamit! Preserve our culture and our good name…

And, while on the topic, why ask only WHITE women? Are they the connoisseurs of snogs? Are they the eastern European judge of the sexual Olympics (aka-the toughest judge to please)? I know many a hot desi babe-and it is unfortunate for our lot that the desi man is a crying shame. I, for one, know I have skills. I can tie the stem of a cherry into a knot with my tongue…a stupid human trick, but still, makes for interesting nights in. And many a desi minx are hot enough to melt the polar ice caps. Even the world knows it—we have our own cottage industry of producing beauty queens now. So DON’T be giving me that “ask white women” shit—ask ANY woman, and they will all uniformly tell you how bad desi guys are. End of story. If anything, it is a desi woman who will put up with that shit-and take the time to train and housebreak her little puppy. So there.

I can’t blame those poor desi lads though…when they first arrive, they are like kids in a candy store. The poor lambs have been so undersexed for so long, that having unfettered access to the opposite sex just becomes too much for them. A sexual overload of sorts. They lose their minds. Maybe they think someone is going to snatch away all the women or that the only shot they have will be lost if they don’t try something then and there—I just don’t know. What I do know is that the whole process of meeting someone goes out the window. They come up to you, ask you your name, and then immediately press up against you trying to hump you on the dancefloor. They sort of gloss over the 8 steps in between—I’m not sure why, but maybe the arranged marriage clock is ticking or they just don’t know any better. It has happened, does happen, and probably is happening as we speak (or read).

However, what our menfolk may lack in kissing skills, perhaps they make up for in the bedroom. After all, land of a billion and counting (much like McDonalds—we are proud of how many have been served)…we have to be doing something right. But then…how to explain the Chinese… hmmmm….


(ps-Sorry to my swinging tomcats for the posting…but the truth must be told. Am a daring, brave, whistleblower for exposing problem. And have suffered much-and I cannot let my fellow minxes and I suffer anymore!)

14 Comments:

At 8:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pity that the desi girls are becoming hotter and minxier and that its pretty much downhill all the way for the desi men! You didnt mention them sweating!

 
At 8:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

All of the below refers not to the urban-cool-desi (you know the kind who actually hung out with girls BEFORE he came to the US) but the geek from rameshwaram or ratnagiri or bombay who stayed home and secretly watched porn flicks while the parents thought he was studying applied mechanics.

forget getting it on - have you ever shaken hands with a desi man eeeeeewwww limp slimy hand brush is what you will get at best and sweaty palms at worst. shudder.

and since you brought up desi men - what is with the separatation of men and women at a desi party - all the boy-folk go off and discuss politics/cricket/money in one half of the room and the girl-folk talk about how bittu is doing in school or their latest acquisitions. this tho i have to say is as much the fault of the desi women as the men. many a time has a silk smita in a sari sidled up to me and said "come lets go to the other room and let them (as in the men) talk" and led me into the depths of boredom while reciting their childrens fantastical abilities.
one word BORING!!!

 
At 9:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boring??? It kills me. I avoid desi outings these days 'coz I simply cannot bear to listen to mothers extolling the virtues of their girl children and how well they skate and swim and dance and sing (pure Bolllywood, mind you!) while learning and retaining their desi abilities to clean and cook! "Yes, my Aashna-she knows how to do everything!" I proudly inform them that my girls don't lift a finger in the house and are treated like princesses, just to see the expression on their faces. Sickening!

 
At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Next time you should say why dont you send Aashna over to my place and help out in our home too?

 
At 10:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very interesting read Miss Minx. Very brave and well written blog. I would have to agree with RnR who wants more stats to back-up what the shellfish has to say... he is delusional to say the least. I also agree to sweaty-palm-weakling handshake re. desi snogs... yuck.. and the cricket/techni/techno talk...yawn.... i find that some lack a certain self-confidence like trait that makes them unattractive to me.. also, on a more personal note... i don't like the furry kinds... the lesser the chest hairs, the better. To each her own.

 
At 2:24 PM, Blogger outrageousminx said...

Seems like posting came just in time--was much needed. Perhaps more extensive posting needed to vent fully.

Yes-I know I left out a lot about fobbish desi men--the hair, the sweat, the strange odors that eminate from them...the limp handshakes, the use of words like "time pass" and "going around", and "freaking out". and the moustaches...and "hero" hair. they are FOB-U-LOUS! Am not a hater ABCD chick though--could love a FOB. (btw-FOB--stands for "fresh off the boat").

Many of my "cooler" english speaking cousins are like that--and i love them. but gawd help them if they ever came to the us---like a chicken walking into
karol bagh or gandhinagar (all sikh populated colonies)...goners for sure.

ps-love you. live for you. keep those comments coming.

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger outrageousminx said...

And please do send Aashna our way...my maternal unit has been complaining about my lack of interest in all householdy chores. Perhaps Mom would like to adopt her-then I can divorce them and join your family?

And yes-I would also prefer a clean, hairless sort...but seeing that last BF closely resembled a bear or that Yeti creature (as do many men) I can't set my limitations there...there is always laser hair removal. gotta love modern medicine. Will take them furry though-if fab. in every other way.

 
At 6:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Our outrageous minx is hanging out with all the wrong desi men. Keep a handbook of Kama-Sutra closeby for emergencies of car-wash kisses. Maybe he will listen and play? Be optimistic.

 
At 8:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Will be happy to adopt anyone with their own apartment, car and well-paying job, minxy! So if you meet all the criteria, will welcome you with open arms and carwash kisses!
Blithe spirit :)

 
At 2:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoa! as an ABCD desi man (with the requisite amount of body hair) I must object! First, i assume your exclusion of urban, cool FOBs applies with twice as much force to the ABCD male population. BUT, more importantly, isn't it a bit hypocritical for the desi minxes to complain about the hirsute qualities of desi men? i mean, those who live in glass houses and all that jazz...

 
At 5:36 PM, Blogger outrageousminx said...

My darling furry ABCD man,

By no means am i complaining about the fuzzy texture of my desi brethren (men and women alike). I love you ALL in all your wooly glory! As I stated in my response to my minx sista who DID complain...my ex was as hairy as a sheepdog...or even the sheep themsleves. For me, being FABULOUS is the key to my heart. But cannot let you get away from your comment so easily!

I have heard MANY a desi male complain about the slightest bit of downy hair, while they themselves strut around, bear-like, with impunity. I think most desi minxes are obsessive compulsive about hair removal and it is unfair for many desi men (ABCD and FOB alike) to pass the hairy buck.

If we do it, so can you. If we don't--deal with it. Unless you have had hot wax coming at your most sensitive parts, you can't bitch. Get thee to a waxing professional, and experience the pain for youself...and then talk to me about being "turned off".

Second of all, ABCDs are most certainly NOT exempt from this particular blog. There have been abysmal ABCD snoggers, as well. But, unfortunately, there are far greater offenses committed daily by the ABCD man that outshine the minor offense of bad kissing (think shoplifting as compared to triple homicide)!

Minxes of the world have an extra special and detailed laundry list reserved ESPECIALLY for ABCD offenders. Don't YOU feel special? Sigh. My poor desi brothas...(and sisters--don't you get too complacent either..we have our own shitlist!)

What makes you so hopelessly cute? (hopeless being the key word there) Is it nature or nurture? God only knows. All I know is that crimes are committed daily. Perhaps will respond to thee, my ABCD pal, with a rant just for you.

 
At 5:42 PM, Blogger outrageousminx said...

whoops! i tried to edit my last comment (to which nik responded). anyway-it is the one following his comment. sorry 'bout the confusion!

 
At 3:59 PM, Blogger Salil said...

Well, I for one won't hide behind the anonymous tag. No, I stand proudly before you. I am the exception to the rule! So says my ego.

In all seriousness, poor bedroom performance by desi men is something my female friends often remark on. I first heard about this at the age of 17 or so, and swore then and there that I'd never be guilty of the same crimes against minxes.

As it so happens, it really took me until about age 30 to iron out all the bugs and issues and clean up the tissues. Now I get...it...ON. :-D

Sex is as much about confidence as anything. If you are more focused on your partner and less focused on yourself, you'll find (as a guy) that your sex life turns amazing pretty fast.

 
At 10:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd like to say something in defense of young Indian men here in America. First, I'm not a desi but I have been to India (mixed feelings about the place). I have lots of Indian friends here in USA and I have dated quite a few Indian guys and many of them I find to be very nice individuals, if a bit awkward in the presense of women.
I will say though that most of them are eager to shed their "geek" image and mingle with the best of the "cool", if only some of the more "cool" people will let them in to their circles. The major problem with Indian men is their closer than close relationship with their mothers, which, to be honest, is a big turn off for American women. Not that we Americans don't love our mothers. Many of us "adore" them. However there is a certain line that is to be drawn between parent and child once you reach adulthood. It seems Indians don't draw this line. Indian mothers smother their sons by spoiling them and trying to control them (it's as if the son is a replacement for a bad husband or something). The sons in turn seem to eat up all this attention (like it's a replacement for a girlfriend).

Get over it already!

 

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